Where in the world is Professor Snape
by Golden Plum
Summary: The title say's all, and I'm sure you will ALL be surprised ;)


**Where in the world is Snape?**

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Harry was on down to his first class of Potions for his fourth year. He didn't know how Snape would be this year, but he knew he wasn't going to get off easy, especially after humilating him like he did like last year. Sighing, he entered, to notice something decidedly eerie. Prof. Snape was sitting calmly and didn't even look up when he entered. Taking his seat quickly beside Ron, he waited for chastisement as class began, but recieved none. In fact Snape never said a thing, he did the attendance silently, wrote the ingredients of the potion that they were to be making on one board, and the other giving a brief history of the potion's creation and then sat back down at his desk.

Leaning over to Ron, Harry whispered. "What do you think is up? He hasn't said a word..."

"I don't know... maybe they've given him some of the Muggle happy pills..." Ron whispered, a little louder than Harry would have liked, dreading that Snape would hear him. But Snape was writing something down calmly and seemed not to notice anything going on.

Then there was a loud explosion from Neville's cauldron and Snape looked up to see the cauldron on flame and black billows of smoke erupting from it. He swished his wand at it and it immediately was extinguished. Snape turned and entered his office, and they could faintly hear screaming.

"Something's going on here..." Hermoine muttered, deciding to go check on the Prof. She opened the door and Snape walked right past her and out of the class, knocking Hermoine aside without much thought. Harry and Ron looked to each other. After a few moments the classroom descended into chaos, the Gryffindor girls, minus Hermoine, chattering loudly, along with the Slytherin girls. The guys from both houses were boasting to each other etc. Just then McGonagall burst in with a furious expression.

"Where is Prof. Snape?" She barked and everyone shrugged.

"Neville just caught his potion on fire, Snape put it out, and then went into the backroom and started screaming, then came out and left." Hermoine said promptly. McGonagall stormed over to the desk and picked up the sheet of paper and read it aloud.

_"I can't take it anymore. I quit. My pyschiatrist says that I've been too stressed out lately, and so with my last bits of sanity, I officially quit this pothole job, hopefully for good to go back to my home country. Before I go, I leave these last remarks to get everything off my chest. _

_Prof. McGonagall, come off it. It's not my fault your students sucked until you got Potter. So quit being so bitter, it'll get to you after awhile. _

_Draco Malfoy, I've hated your guts for a long time. You annoy me to no end and I hope you find a life soon instead of being a dipwad and coming up with halfbaked plans to trick Potter, he's obviously smarter than you. You do not follow in your father's footsteps. And your father was a dipwad too, tell him I said that. _

_Harry Potter, Ron Weasely, Hermoine Granger, you have made my life a living hell, and you went over the borders, there's a difference between harassing and taunting you know. Next time be more considerate of a person's feelings before you make a rude remark, especially how they seemed to be prejeduced against at certain job oppurtinities because they are the youngest member of the staff and head of a certain house with a bad reputation. Hermoine, don't get uppity, I know very well who lit my robe on fire at the Quidditch match, and who stole out of my dangerous potion ingredients closet in my office, do you think I'm stupid? _

_To all Gryffindors, I hate you all, and it isn't funny to draw pictures of your teachers in drag. It brings out certain violent tendancies when someone finds them when they're correcting homework assignments. _

_To all Slytherins, I hate you all too. Probably a little more than the Gryffindors. You are a lot of incompetant idiots. _

_Also I would like to add that even using magic, the food here has no taste what-so-ever. Of course you're bloody British, so it makes sense. _

_Have A Nice Day, _

_Ex-Prof. Snape._

Prof. McGonagall sighed and told everyone to go back to their previous class, and that they'd sort this out later.

At dinner Harry, Ron and Hermoine were discussing the hottest topic in the school, Prof. Snape.

"I think he flipped his bonnet." Harry muttered as he slurped his soup, causing Hermoine to shudder.

"You kididng, he flipped it a looong time ago... I'm kinda glad he's gone." Ron said as he took a bite of his potato. Hermoine snorted.

"But what if they bring in someone worse?" Hermoine stated. Both Ron and Harry laughed.

"Nobody could be worse than Snape." They chorussed. Hermoine flustered.

"Alright so he was a little pushy..." She sighed.

"And snappy." Ron chimed.

"And a complete and total jerk." Harry added. "There can be no one worse than Snape. I'm really glad he's gone." He said as he returned to his soup. And with that they ate the rest of their meal in silence.

The next day they went down to the Potions lab, as they'd been told to, only to find the hall on the way down covered in bright rosy pink curtains. They entered what they thought was the lab, even though the door now had a window, with a window box full of flowers and gingerbread house trim all over. When they entered they were confronted with more pink. A plump, short woman was sitting at the small pink desk with red wooden hearts all over it. She had silvery gray hair that was in a high bun, and wore thick round spectacles. On her desk was an oven. The Gryffindors took their seats quietly, awed by the change that had occured in the room in less than a day. There were artificial windows that shone with real sunlight and imaginary landscapes on the walls, illuminating the walls, which were covered in red velvet curtains. The Slytherins entered with their heads bowed and avoided looking at their new head or the Gryffindors. The plump woman rung a small bell.

"Hello students! My name is Prof. Smith, your new Potions Professor and my precious Slytherins' new head." She said in a bell like voice which caused the Slytherins to groan and begin to slide under their tables, while the Gryffindors snickered. "I used to teach Home Econmics at a Muggle school, but your headmaster Dumbledore asked me to come over here, and so I did." She said with a charming toothy smile. "Now I understand that your last Professor went insane, you poor dears, he probably made you feel all rejected and worthless, but I assure that he was just a poor mixed up person whom if he had been in his right mind would have loved you all, like I do." She said sappily, causing the Slytherins to groan further and the Gryffindors to break out into laughter. "Now turn in those nasty ugly textbooks that are probably out of date and take one of these instead." She said, motioning to a tall stack of pink books with Home Economics written on the spine. Shrugging they dumped their old books into a barrel and grabbed their new textbooks.

"Why would they give us a Home Economics teacher?" Hermoine whispered as they walked back to their seat. Harry shrugged.

"Well they basically are the same, except that Home Economics is about cooking and Potions is about making...well... potions." Harry offered as he took his seat.

As soon as everyone had retaken their seats, Prof. Smith rang her bell again. "Alright class, everyone open their books to page 10, we're going to learn how to make chocolate chip cookies! Just follow the directions, all the things you'll need are under your tables, including the oven." She said sweetly. Harry sighed and set to work, trying to make sure Ron didn't hurt himself or something.

Classes continued through out the semester exactly like this, only they had Hug minutes, where everyone had to have a big group hug for five minutes. And then there was sewing classes, where they mended their robes, despite Hermoine's protests that, "There's a very simple spell that would fix it." However the Gryffindors got a more of a kick out of it than Slytherins, who's colors had been changed to pink and red, with a large red heart as their symbol, and they were forced to wear pink robes and caps with big red hearts sewn on them, the heart getting larger with each progressing year they were in.

However the humour of it all had began to wear off as soon as Christmas break came.

"Sweet magic, I don't want to touch another sweet again." Ron groaned as he sat down on the steps of the entrance to the Gryffindor common room. "I want vegetables, something good for me..." He murmurred jiggling his larger stomach. Most everyone had a weighty stomach on them with all the sweets Prof. Smith was loading them up with, except the Slytherins, who had insisted on keeping on a diet of skim milk, vegetables, and red meat, and refused to touch the sweets unless they were forced. Not that it helped.

"Come on, we can get some at dinner, right now, and then we can burn this all off." Hermoine said as she reached out her pudgier hand to Ron.

When they entered the dining hall they ate only the soup and a slice of wheat bread, per Hermoine's orders. Harry sighed.

"I never EVER thought I'd say this, but I miss Snape." Harry moaned.

"We could go find him." Hermoine said as she took a spoonful of soup.

"How? We don't know where he went!" Ron snorted as he dipped his bread in his soup before taking a bite out of it.

"Wait!" Hermoine cried, pointing at Ron.

"What?" Ron said between a mouthful of bread.

"That's how the French eat their soup and bread, and exactly how Snape ate it!" She squealed.

"So? He eats it like a French person. What does that have to do with anything?" Harry said sarcastically.

"No, he's in France. That's where he's from, it explains it all! Pure-blooded Frenchmen have hooked noses. And the French absolutely despise British cooking, among other things. He's in France!" Hermoine cried out loud, only to be silenced with a quick glare from Harry and Ron.

"Yeah, but France is huge!" Ron groaned.

"Yes, but Snape also has a slight British accent, which means he lived near the upper part of the country's docks. And there's only one dock there that England still ships to. Port Clemaine." Hermoine said proudly.

The next day they were packed and set for heading to Port Clemaine. They slept in the whole day to make sure they would be able to fly all night across the channel.

With a wobbly start they made their way across the vast ocean undetected. After many they landed in the Port.

"Whew... that was hard..." Harry panted. "No wonder we've been getting slower at Quidditch..." He muttered as shrunk his broom along with Hermoine and Ron and hid them in their pockets.

"Now what do we do?" Ron said, adjusting his shirt, which was rolling up his stomach., since his weight gain.

"We start looking for Snape, Port Clemaine is pretty small, we're bound to find him, or find someone who knows him." Hermoine said as she walked out into the street.

Indeed they wandered for hours, looking around for Snape in the bustle of sailors and townfolk buying groceries. Finally after many hours they gave up and took a rest at a small outside cafe, Hermoine fortunately having some Muggle money on her.

Just then a tall man with black hair walked in and took a seat across from them. He was wearing a black beret, a white and black striped shirt, a pair of black khakis, and a grin. (Author: I know SOOO cliche'. Shut up.)

"Is that who I think it is?" Hermoine said, leaning in closer to the coversation as a medium sized waitress with dark brown wavy hair came over, grinning back at the tall man.

"Bonjour my dear Serveus, what can I get you today?" She said cheerfully in a thick French accent, winking fully at the tall man, who laughed.

"You're getting better at your English, Charlotte, much better. A crepe today I think, there is much work to be done..." The man said, his grin broadening. Charlotte smiled at him and ran off. Harry looked to Hermoine and Ron.

"It's gotta be him, but he's not... well... him." Harry said, puzzled.

"He's happy, that's what's different." Ron said dreamily.

"Who cares, we need him. Tough noogies if he isn't happy." Hermoine snapped, standing to her feet, and dragging Harry and Ron along with her, using her larger arms as weights.

As soon as they stood in front of the table, the man whitened, before jumping to his feet and shouting several things, which they guessed to be expletitives, from the looks of the people around them, in French before making a dash for the door... and he would have made it too, if Harry hadn't stuck out his very large foot, causing Snape, who was thinner and a heck of a lot lighter now flying. He landed with a thump on the edge of the patio.

"Leave my Serveus alone you...you... terrorists!" Charlotte squealed, before fainting as Hermoine sent her a nasty look.

"Professor... we need you back at Hogwarts..." Ron begged.

"Nononononono! I'm happy dangit! I'm happy working on the docks! I don't want to go back!" Snape shouted in a thick accent equal to Charlotte's, only a little more British, and tried to break for it again, but Hermoine jumped and grabbed his ankles, landing with a thud that shook the chairs nearby. Snape hissed and started squirming, desperately trying to get out of her grasp. "Letmegolemmegolemmegolemmego!" Snape cried as Harry and Ron grabbed his arms, and Hermoine got up.

"You're going back to Hogwarts and that's final." Harry snorted and together they dragged the kicking and screaming Snape to an alley, where they enlarged their brooms.

"Hermoine, you mind doing an invisibilty spell... not to mention an anti-apparation spell?" Ron asked as he mounted his broom.

"We might want to tie him up too, incase he tries to jump." Harry said, motioning to the now silent Snape, who looked absolutely shocked and miserable.

"Alright. But no bonds, I don't think he'll jump." Hermoine said, and with three quick flicks of her wand they were invisible to the outside world and Snape was no longer able to apparate.

Snape remained deathly silent throughout the journey back to England. They flew into Hogwarts in the mid-afternoon, under cloud cover, so they were safe. Grabbing Snape securely by the arms they dragged him down to the Potions lab.

"You'll hate it! The room is all pink and red, and the Slytherin colors have been changed to pink and red with a giant heart that each one of them has to wear..." Hermoine pitched.

"I hate Slytherin, I've hated snakes for a very long time. They're too dark and dreary, and I'm always getting picked on because of it. McGonagall can poke pretty hard." Snape moaned, his French accent still strong, they'd been hoping as soon as he'd come to Hogwarts that he'd snap out of it.

"She's teaching Home Economics instead of Potions! And it's still listed as a Potions course!" Harry exclaimed, know Snape prized his job... or used to.

"Home Economics is Potions... only you're making food and doing housework instead of making actual Potions." Snape said softly, not even looking at the pink that surrounded and choked everyone.

Kicking open the door, they found Prof. Smith humming while she baked her latest batch of cookies in a larger oven on the floor. This actually got a reaction out of Snape, because he spluttered and stood on his feet.

"Dr. Smith!" He cried. "What are you doing here?" At the sound of her name, Prof. Smith turned and gave an evil smile, causing everyone to shudder. She flicked her wand and the door slammed shut behind them, and locked tightly.

"I, my dear Serveus have taken over your job. You must be wondering why I would do such a thing..." Prof. Smith said slyly standing, an evil light glimmering in her blue eyes.

"Not really..." Snape voiced, before being nudged roughly by Harry, Hermoine, and Ron.

"You see, I really work for Voldemort, even though I plan to overthrow him eventually. But first I must create weaker wizards and witches, and everyone knows a fat wizard is a lazy wizard..." Prof. Smith cackled as she raised her wand. "Now, before you die would you like some cookies?" She said, offering them a plate of the warm treats fresh out of the oven. "They're fresh."

"Professor Snape, oh what can we do??" Hermoine cried, hugging Snape out of fear, who intern gagged and hacked before escaping Hermoine's grasp.

"Nothing really, she's got a good plan, and it's your own fault that you drove me away, so I'm not gonna bloody help you. And you abducted me against my will." Snape said coldly crossing his arms over his chest.

"Oh, please take a cookie, I promise they're not poisoned." Prof. Smith soothed.

"Fine, bloody fine, woman, I'll take one, just quit pushing the cookies." Snape muttered and took the smallest cookie he could find, and bit into it. He sneered and spit it out, and started coughing wildly.

"KICK HER IN THE OVEN DANGIT!!!! GET IT ALL OVER WITH!!! SUCH ABOMINATIONS AS THESE COOKIES SHOULD NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY!!!!" Snape yelled, wiping his mouth on the sleeve of his shirt. "My God, I've been tainted." He muttered as Harry gave a sharp kick to Prof. Smith's rear, sending her into her own oven and then flipped the door shut. "Ewww..." Snape spat as kept licking his lips to get rid of the taste as he raised his wand. "Infernus." He muttered and the oven burst into flames before disappearing completely.

"How did you know what to do?" Ron asked, and Snape glared at him.

"If you'd care to pay attention in History of Magic, you'd find the story of Hansel and Grettle, some Muggles that got a one up on one of our kind." Snape said snidely with a curled lip. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going home." And with that, Snape turned on his heel, uncursed the door, and was about to exit when a definately chunkier McGonagall and Dumbledore burst in.

"Oh Serveus!" McGonagall cried. "You've saved us! We tried to come in, but the door was locked! But we heard it all, we absolutely have you back!" She said with much elation, and Dumbledore just nodded mutely in the background.

"No." Snape said sharply and started to push his way inbetween McGonagall and Dumbledore, when Harry pulled him back, and Ron, Hermoine, Dumbledore, and McGonagall formed a thick line between them and the door, blocking Snape's exit. Snape looked like he just might break into tears. "Please, I just wanna go home..." He begged.

"I don't think you understand, you're staying Serveus, we'll let you torture the students... a sort of boot camp? They're going to need to be whipped into shape..." Dumbledore said softly. A light came into Snape's eyes.

"Yes!" Snape cheered and punched the air in triumph. "Boot camp..." He laughed, an evil tone coming into his dark voice that caused Hermoine, Ron and Harry to shudder.

The next day there was much celebration from the Slytherins, who were once again allowed to be dark and evil, and all their pink robes were burned along with Prof. Smith's flag. Infact there was rejoicing everywhere in the school, since they were glad to have their dark and moody Professor Snape back.

Harry, Ron and Hermoine headed out to Potions, dreading on what would happen. Now they were having triple Potions every day, since they needed to catch up with alot. Snape had informed everyone at breakfast that they were to wear black sweatpants and sweatshirts today and meet him outside by the lake, and everyone dressed accordingly. When they got out there they found Snape, grinning wildly, wearing a black military beret, wearing military boots which were barely visible through his robe, and holding a long bull whip. Behind him was a sled with a long line of harness.

"Today you all will be pulling a sled, in an attempt to get in shape..." Snape barked, his French accent never ceasing. "Now get in the harnesses." He snapped, pointing to the long line of harnesses. Almost everyone did with a groan, except Neville and Malfoy.

"Why do we have to do this?" They both whined, finding their common ground.

"I could make you workout to Richard Simmons Sweatin' to the Oldies." Snape hissed, and immediately Neville and Malfoy were in harnesses. Snape laughed evilly and got onto the wooden sled. He cracked the bull whip above their heads and cried out, "Twenty times around the school, MUSH!!!"

The End


End file.
